US Declares Huge Victory After It Negotiates for Trade Route That Was Previously Open To Re-Open…

The White House has declared victory in the war it started in Iran, saying it has achieved its objectives of spending tens of billions of dollars and causing thousands of deaths in order to return things to roughly as they were before the war started, at least for the next two weeks.

“The Straight of Hormuz is open, Khamenei is the Ayatollah and Iran still has nuclear materials,” White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt said in a statement that could have been read out this morning or three months ago.

Leavitt praised President Donald Trump for his ability to broker peace. “There was peace before. Then for some reason there wasn’t. And now there is peace again. Give this man the Nobel Prize,” she said.

One Republican Senator said no-one should ever underestimate Trump again. “Yes, we have spent valuable resources and lost precious lives, yes we have emboldened Iranian leaders and caused a whole new generation of Iranians to despise us, yes we have alienated our allies and caused economic harm across the globe. But let us not forget that the trade route that no one had ever heard of before because it operated without issue for decades, is now operating without issue. Or it will soon, with maybe some minor issues, we haven’t really gone through all the details yet. That is what victory looks like